She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
tell me about the fingering
Randomize
