i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize