Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
porn star boner night. come get it.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
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