I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
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