Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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