God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
