Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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