Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
My first STD was from a foam party
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
Found your dick twin last night
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
