I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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