My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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