We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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