your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
Randomize
