i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Randomize
