I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
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