I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
