I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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