I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
