the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I look excited, but its just a facade.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
