I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Randomize
