By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize
