I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
