How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize