i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Honestly no idea how dad figured out i did all that gay porn unless he was looking at gay porn.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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