About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
