hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Barsexuality is the new black.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
