i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
