I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
