It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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