Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
