Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
