i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I touched a dick in church today
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
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