I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
