coke and sex party at dan's
im watching greys anatomy with megan...
wha-pishhh
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
