Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Ladies don't puke and tell
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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