Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Randomize
