hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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