Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
He kissed a someone with a penis
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Slut skills are useful in every country.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
