I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
