What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
