i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Can you imagine how doomed are children are? I mean for one they have our genetics and then we will ruin them as parents. It will be the most magical adventure. Let's not start soon, too many adventures at hand that involve immense amounts of alcohol.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize