I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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