and next time when you feel me up, do it right
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
