Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
Randomize
