the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
Just ordered an appetizer sampler to distract the fat chicks so we can escape
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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