Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Randomize
