Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
