Where are you?
In a non slutty way
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Randomize
