the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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