I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
