at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i remember going to sleep after the 4th time i threw up this morning and hoping i didn't have to again because then it would be uneven between saturday and sunday. my ocd is getting out of control
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
