used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
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