you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
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