i don't like sucking hair
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
How's work?
Spinning.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
