don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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