I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Randomize
