Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
