did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
