the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
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