You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
zippers are such a cool invention
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
