I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
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