ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
