Your face is a jimmy john
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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