u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
