So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
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