So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Randomize
