Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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