Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
