i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Randomize
