chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
