He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
I'll have sex with you for tacos. I don't care, man.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I just split a tacobell party box with my boss. 12 tacos. We were equals for a moment.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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