I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
