i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Randomize
